President Trump and former FBI Director James Comey in January.

February 14, 2017

To Whom it May Concern,

This private memo is intended to memorialize a concerning conversation I had with President Donald Trump earlier today. Please guard the following information with the utmost care and urgency, and only share it in a moment of grave national emergency.

Following a routine meeting in the Oval Office about America's ongoing anti-terrorism efforts, the President asked all officials present to leave the room so that he could have a word with me in private. The advisors did as they were told, and as the door closed behind them, the President leaned across his desk and whispered, "What a bunch of fuckin' nerds, huh Jimbo?" Then he attempted what I have come to believe is the President's closest approximation of human laughter.

"Jim, Jim, Jim," he said. "Jim, the big man. The big, slim guy. Slim Jim. Slim Jim! That's what they should call you. Slim Jim. That's pretty good. I just came up with that. Slim Jim." I began to point out to the President that the Slim Jim was, in fact, a beloved American gas station meat stick invented before the Great Depression, but he had already written Slim Jim on a sticky note and tacked it to his "My Big Accomplishments" corkboard, so I decided to let the issue rest.

"So, Slim Jim," President Trump continued. "Let's talk shop. Like that one? I made that up, too. I don't even know what it means but that's my right as President. How can you even talk shop? People say you can't, Wolf Blitzer says you can't, but I think you can. So let's talk shop. And the shop of the day is this whole business with Mike and Russia. It's a big fake, know-nothing, no-biggie, no-hard-feelings, no-nonsense CNN mudraking [sic] witch hunt that's, I mean, it's, well I said to myself, this Flynn-Russia thing is boring. Nobody cares about this. To be honest that's what I said. And after I said that I thought, this is taking all of us on a deep dive down into Anderson Cooper's hairy little fairy wormhill [sic], you understand? You know it, America knows it, I know it, and it's not just me because Jeff [Sessions] and Steve [Bannon] are totally on the same stage [sic] about all of this, and let me just say they don't agree on